When you love someone, but it goes to waste. Could it be worse?
I may be condescending, a bit of frank maybe;
fluent in sarcasm if you ask me.
I may be a douchebag most of the time,
but loving a person—even if it kills me
—is my biggest crime.
I don’t usually talk about my feelings, but when I do, there’s nobody there to listen.
I hate how you always point out that I’m wrong. I hate how you react whenever I curse or swear like it’s the biggest violation of human morale. I hate it when you tickle my back even though I’ve told you numerous times that I don’t like it when you do that. I hate the fact that you know that it’s hard for me to sleep and yet sometimes, you do things that wakes me up.
I hate that I have no clue everyday what time you’re going home or if you’re going home at all. I hate it that I don’t know if you’re okay at work or something bad happened to you. I hate that I always have to spend my weekend, sleeping wholeday instead of spending it with you.
I hate how you hate some things that I love the most. I hate how you don’t get my jokes most of the time, or that you don’t find the things I find hilarious, funny. I hate how you use random words most of the time, and use it inappropriately. I hate how you always remind me to text my mom even though I purposely didn’t.
I hate how you overreact with some things and then act indifferently on things I want to know how you’re feeling about it. I hate how you cry so easily and then make me feel like a guilty douchebag. I know, I am. I hate how you’ve always been quiet by things I’ve done wrong when in fact you should have told me about it. I hate the fact that sometimes I get jealous by things I shouldn’t be jealous of. I hate that sometimes you don’t text me because you’re busy with another people, or most of the time, the internet.
You see, we’re not in a perfect relationship. We both have flaws, and I love some of yours but there are things that I don’t like. We argue sometimes because of those flaws and that’s okay because that’s normal. There is definitely something wrong in a relationship if the couple doesn’t fight.
I can write a whole list of things I love about you and things I hate about you. This is it. I hate a lot of things about you but, in the end I find myself hating me, because I know what I’m hating is you and that’s who you are and that’s what makes you, you. And you do know, that I love you, right?
If there’s one thing I realized recently, it’s that I actually don’t have friends. The people I call friends are in fact, just a close acquaintances only. The people I work with who I call my buddies and mates are just mere people who spent 8 hours everyday with me because they have to and not because they want to. The people I got to know online are people who treat me like they treat people they just met or the cashier who took their orders, or their next door neighbor who they rarely talk to. In short, I’m just a regular guy to their life, just someone they know from work or from school or from facebook.
Do you know that guy who always appear at your Facebook Newsfeed but you don’t have any idea who he is, or how did you even became facebook friends? In some way, I’m that Newsfeed guy. Everyone know what’s going on with me, some may comment on my life, “How you doing?” then I casually answer with, “I’m doing good, how ‘bout you?” and then conversation ends right after that. They ask me not because they care, but just because they feel like doing it. I don’t know, or maybe they’re bored.
I’m not that guy who they’re willing to go to with my just one text. I’m not the guy who they’ll have the time to go to the mall with, or to the dentist because I’m scared or to just sit with me and listen when I want to rant about everything. I’m not the guy who they’ll stay up late just to talk to me, or will go to Mcdonald’s at 3am because I want to hang out ‘cause of the bad dream I’ve had. I’m just not the guy they’ll call as their friend.
It’s funny how people will tell you to just let them know when you need them but disappears on your map in times of your misery. People are just good at sweet talk, they don’t have the balls to stick up to their words.
If people tell you they’re your friends and then just vanish out of your life after, they put the ‘end’ in friend.
It’s amazing how little things can make someone’s day. I work in a customer’s service department for cable which means I get a lot of upset customers. They call in, most of the time just to rant about their ‘disgusting’ service, like most of them say, and then asked help about it. Yep, it’s most likely for them to call and complain and vent out than to ask assistance about it. I’m thinking we should use therapist as a slash on our job description, lol.
Anyway, I never knew listening and being sincere was really important until I got in this kind of work. It actually make people more at ease when they know that you’re listening to them, and saying verbal nods such as, “uh huh” or “okay..” is one way of showing it.
Asking how a person’s day was does really make a difference. It kind of breaks this wall that has been established on the first set of the call that you’re just a cable guy, and they’re the customer. It makes them feel that they’re talking to a friend and that they need someone to listen to what they gotta say.
In addition to that, I never fail to make small talks. Asking if they’re still okay with the freezing weather there to the recent movie that they’ve watch. It’s amazing when you find someone that completely gets you and just discuss about horror movies or books or a place for half an hour.
Saying things like, “Thank you for being an awesome customer, do enjoy your day!”, although a common spiel, finishes the impression that you enjoyed listening and talking to them, ending the phone call pleasant and the customer satisfied.
When I talk to you out of the blue, that’s only because I miss you.
Just because we’re together for almost every hour of everyday doesn’t mean that I can’t write you a letter. There are still some things that I can’t tell in front of you, fearing that I might sound silly and mushy and you know I’d hate that because I’m a guy and I have abs and I don’t cry.. and I have a happy dance. Shame on me.
I just want to let you know that every second that we spend together is not enough. I don’t know. I find myself missing you even though my skin is touching your skin. I find myself wanting to cuddle with you all night even though you’re beside me, hugging each and every bit of me. Maybe I’m selfish, or maybe I’m insatiable, or maybe it’s just because I’m human and I always crave for more even though I have everything that I could ever need. Basically speaking, I. Can’t. Get. Enough. Of. You. Stop blushing.
I want to apologize if sometimes I go way beyond the line. I treat you like a kid, pinching the death of you. It’s just that I find you really cute and I just want to kill you because I love you so much. Wow, that came out wrong. Anyway, you know what I mean.
Sometimes, I act like a kid. But that’s only because you act like one too all the time. Just kidding, I’m not putting the blame on you. It’s just I kinda enjoy seeing you mad at me. Call me sadistic, but I find it sweet when you’re upset at me with the little things— when I don’t listen to what you’re saying, when you’re asking something and I’m answering like a retard, when you’re asking me to do something and I don’t do it— I find it sexy. I’m weird, I know and so are you, so you gotta understand me.
Sometimes, I get jealous, but I try my bestest (yes, for emphasis) not to show it. I’m not like that. I’m not one of those possessive idiots who wants their better half’s attention all to them. In fact, I want you to have friends. I want you to have some other people to listen to you when I’m not here, not that I’m saying that I’ll leave but we are not the only one who exist in each other’s universe. But please, don’t text other guys when I’m with you. Thanks.
Dear, you know the drill. I love you.
Your ever loving, abs-packed better half,
i. I’ve always wanted you around,
but the trouble is when you’re here,
I couldn’t even look you in the eye.
ii. Your eyes, your nose, your lips;
everything you are looks like an angel.
You are so perfect that you make me cry.
iii. When I’m with you, everything
around me seems so light.
I look at you and you’re a feather
floating in this beautiful world.
iv. You’re so fucking special,
I wish you know that.
v. I wish I was to you too.
I guess my dream of becoming a writer someday has already dissolved into unwritten words and tired cliches.
I’m the exact opposite of desirable.
January 24, 2014
The thing with memories is they haunt us— they haunt us really hard. We spend most of our days trying to forget when every little thing around us seems to be a blunt reminder of the past.
We try to treat our bad memories as our annoying kid self, trying to lock it inside a dusty old room where no one could ever find, but just like a kid, they try so hard to nag us and remind us that they are there, and there is nothing that we can do about it.
We try our best to keep it in the past, to bury it, to let go but as much as we want to, we just couldn’t do it. The only thing that we can do is to live in the present, keep up with the past, and look out for the future.
I guess, no matter how bad the past was, no matter how hard we try to forget them, a fragment of it will still be always a part of us.
I prefer humans.